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A Chair Walks Into a Bar: 15 Furniture Jokes to Write Home About

You never saw these punchlines coming!

1. A mid-century chair walks into a bar.
Bartender says, ‘Come on over and have a seat!’ Chair says, ‘I can’t – I’m all tapered out.’

2. Why did the genuine leather sofa cross the road?
To get to the other hide.

3. Did you hear about the shag carpet?
He was known for his rugged good looks.

4. What did one sofa say to the other?
Couch me if you can

5. Pat and Tina had a child together.
He grew up to be quite distressed.

6. A woman was walking down the street when she saw a boy crying.
“Are you okay?” she asked. Sobbing, he replied, “My mom said she is going to hang art up on the walls.” “What’s wrong with that?” she asked. Tears streaming down, he replied, “Art is the name of my pet hamster.”
7. There is a little-known passage in Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” in which Prospero sings the praises of a beautifully upholstered bed.
The line reads, It is such tufts / As dreams are made on.

8. Never embarrass your mattress.
Otherwise, you’ll make it plush!

9. A truck driver who makes mattress deliveries suffers from road rage.
He’s known for foaming at the mouth.

10. A husband and wife told a mattress salesperson that they each wanted separate beds.
The husband said, “I want a long Tempur-Pedic.” The salesperson recommended three King-sized options. Then, the wife said, “I would like a short Tempur.” The salesperson immediately screamed back, “Too bad!” and left in a rage.
11. After graduating from law school, a dining chair stated, “I think I can finally pass the bar.”
A nearby kitchen sink exclaimed, “I counter!”

12. What bookends bookends?
We can’t tell you the punchline to this joke. It’s B.S.

13. What did the Buffet say to the Chandelier?
I’ll be there for you.

14. Archeologists recently discovered what is believed to be the first “kitsch-in island.”
Nestled in the heart of the Galapagos, it’s a small tropical land mass whose inhabitants are a bit tacky, if the archeologists are being honest.

15. When a man saw that a store was selling Kids Pillows, he angrily filed a complaint…
…but soon apologized once he learned that kids were, in fact, not being used as pillows.

Want More Chair Puns? Here's a Glossary of Made-Up Furniture Terms We Wish Were Real

Armoiriferous (adj.) – As chic as a traditional armoire; old-fashioned, quaint and elegant. Ex: “Your dress is armoiriferious!”
Chandelierey (adj.) – Clear, bright and glowy. Ex: “When she spoke, her eyes grew chandelierey.”
Tablique (adj.) – As practical and dependable as a sturdy table. Ex: “His work output has been tablique.”
Shelficiency (n.) – As much or more self-reliability as a floating shelf. Ex: “The team’s shelficiency is astounding.”
Curtainish (adj.) – Flowy in movement, like curtains on a windy day. Ex: “She walked with a curtainish gait.”
Stoolery (n.) – The quiet humility of a stool, where one is constantly stepped on and never once complains. Ex: “Stoolery comes when one learns to rid oneself of ego.”
Sofantic (n.) – As comfortable as a sofa. Ex: “The chairs in the dentist’s waiting room were sofantic.”
Barracocious (adj.) – (Of a person); always seen with a drink in hand, as if they were a human bar or bar cart. Ex: “He is the most barracocious person I’ve ever met."
Dressern (n.) – Concern for a person’s choice of bedroom furniture. Ex: “I am a bit dresserned for Todd, as his recent furniture purchases haven’t been particularly stylish.”
Standantic (adj.) (Of a person); loving TV more than anything else; as much a supporter of TV as the TV stand itself. Ex: “Kids today are standantic, for better or for worse.”
Lampability (n.) – The ability to glow. Ex: “The makeup brand’s new blush can make a person’s face extremely lampable.”
Deskie (n.) – A desk to which one feels a connection (like bestie). Ex: “My deskie and I spend many hours together working on my English essays!”
Patinaphobia (n.) – The fear of furniture surfaces aging over time. Ex: “Patinaphobia is not a serious condition, but it is often seen most in those with serious style.”
Planternation (n.) A fascination with planters. Ex: “My planternation has resulted in my amassing over 70 planters in my home.”
Islandtime (n.) – A time for meal preparation, often done on a kitchen island. Ex: “Islandtime usually starts at around 3:30.”

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Editorial Disclaimer: Articles featuring tips and advice are intended for educational purposes and only as general recommendations. Always practice personal discretion when using and caring for furniture, decor and related items.